


the boy i wish i could like

by FreeTheSoul



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Bullying, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, harushin, yuukeific
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-12 05:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5653906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreeTheSoul/pseuds/FreeTheSoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shintaro liked Haruka, and that was what made him deserve nothing but scorn, criticism, disapproval. It was ironic, but he didn’t find it very funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING for a few homophobic slurs being thrown around.

It had been a Monday and, like most Mondays, Shintaro wasn’t in the most ideal of moods.

School was over, thank god, but only barely. He was outside with the rest of his friends on the bench they usually sat on, doing the things they usually did. Takane was ranting about her awful teacher and inconspicuously edging closer to Ayano while the two of them giggled, Haruka was either talking, he was eating, or he was drawing (or all three, if they were unfortunate), and Shintaro was sitting there and looking pissed off.

It was a routine, and it seemed to suit them all pretty well.

The courtyard was loud, filled with people walking with their crushes and clubs that were overexcited about every mundane aspect of life. Shintaro didn’t have much to do, this particular Monday - Haruka wasn’t talking, so he didn’t have anyone to bother listening to - and he let his attention wander through the couples in the yard. After a few minutes he saw a couple of bubbly girls, holding hands and chatting excitedly.

He snorted contemptuously, and everyone on the bench immediately turned to look at him.

Shintaro basked in the attention for a long second, before sighing and trying to pass himself off as caring a lot less than he really did. “What a bunch of fucking queers,” he grunted, glaring at the pair of girls as they passed a few meters in front.

Despite the fact that everyone had already stopped doing what they were doing to pay attention to him, something about the silence almost seemed frozen in the wake of his words.

His eyes made a nervous dart to Haruka’s face, searching earnestly for his reaction. Desperation ran through him as he hoped beyond belief for him to show any sign of agreement, any hint of vague approval. At the same time, a part of him - the part he detested, the part that made him want to throw up - prayed for him to be disgusted by the comment, to lash out at him, _anything_.

Would he feel better if Haruka hated him? In some twisted way, maybe. Shintaro liked Haruka, and that was what made him deserve nothing but scorn, criticism, disapproval. It was ironic, but he didn’t find it very funny.

In the end, the only reaction that came was that Haruka’s mouth twitched, and his gaze flitted down to the ground. Shintaro couldn’t tell whether this was a good or a bad sign, and saw nothing else change in the long second he continued watching him.

“Um… y-yeah,” Ayano mumbled quietly. She shuffled a little, inching towards Takane beside her. Takane herself didn’t say or do anything at all, simply staring hard at a pebble a few feet away.

This wasn’t the first time he’d said something like that, nor was it going to be the last time, but it _was_ the first time he’d done it towards people they knew. No one seemed quite sure of what to say or do until Haruka changed the subject with fake cheer about something that had happened earlier, and then they were back to cracking shitty jokes and pretending they hadn’t just heard that.

This became an awkward routine whenever Shintaro felt the urge to make a similar comment, and it always played out the same way. He’d go home, afterwards, and feel like garbage for everything he ever did with his shitty life. He wished, one day, that he could really mean it when he said it, but that didn’t stop the way he crumbled down every night when he was alone in his room.

It was another day, when it happened, but they all seemed to pass the same way. A pair of boys that there’d been rumors about for _weeks_ were walking by with their hands awfully close, shooting glances at each other when they weren’t looking but everyone else in the school _was_.

“Fuckin’ faggots,” Shintaro muttered, a particular venom to his tone.

“Alright, Shintaro,” Takane growled, standing up quickly. Ayano stopped fidgeting with her scarf and stared up at her, almost reaching out a hand but stopping at the last second.

Shintaro’s heart leaped to his throat, and he immediately tensed at the confrontation. “ _What,_ Takane?” She stalked over, glaring as she stood over him. He got up carefully from the bench, but she didn’t seem inclined to giving him any more room than she had to. “Don’t you think it’s gross, too, seeing _fags_ like that just walking around?”

He was angrier with himself than he was with her, but was he going to let himself be stepped on? Well, maybe. But not when it was about _that_.

“Just--” she breathed, hard, trying to regain her composure. “Shut the _fuck_ up! What the hell is your problem?”

He huffed, escalating to a shout. “It’s _wrong_ \--”

“What the fuck is wrong about it?!” spit landed on his face as she cut in loudly, “Every day, we have to sit here and listen to you making _stupid_ fucking comments, and I’m-- I’m _this_ close to punching you in your _idiot_ face!”

He shrank, but tried not to let it show. “S-so what?! Do it, you fucking--”

A guttural cry rose out of Takane’s throat, and Shintaro’s breath caught in his as he was yanked forward by the collar. He winced reflexively, hoping the fear he felt didn’t show on his face quite so blatantly. The fist Takane had raised remained poised in the air, her arm frozen in place a few inches from his face. Ayano stood up immediately, a hair’s breadth from jumping in and tearing them apart. Haruka tensed, seemingly on the verge of saying something, but not quite sure what. For a long moment the two of them simply stood in silence, Shintaro’s breaths shallow and scared, Takane’s deep and hot in his face.

“...Fuck this,” she snarled eventually, letting him go and dropping her other arm. She shook the hand that had been holding him with something similar to disgust, and he couldn’t say he blamed her.

Takane turned around, taking Ayano by the arm as she paced off. Her quiet protest was cut off by something Takane spat, probably an insult, that Shintaro didn’t quite catch. He watched them go, stiffening when Ayano cast a quick glance back at him, and then they disappeared in a crowd of people.

Shintaro deflated and quietly sat back down on the bench. In the aftermath of everything he felt more than a little out of it, but sitting there and breathing seemed to help.

“Hey, Haruka,” he started, after a long moment of silence, “you… you agree with me, r-right?”

The question hung in the air for a long time, longer than what made Shintaro comfortable. Haruka didn’t even acknowledge that he’d said anything, picking at the page he was on in his sketchbook. Eventually he stood up, cutting off Shintaro in the middle of repeating himself.

“...Not really, Shintaro,” he muttered, voice firm. He wasn’t meeting Shintaro’s eyes, staring at his hands while he stood there. “Just… don’t, alright? See you later.”

He picked up his bag and left in silence, and Shintaro could barely summon the strength to mumble an “Oh,” after him, long after he’d gone out of earshot.

On the way home, he contemplated how revolting he was. All that bullshit he said, and in the end the thing that hurt the most was how cold Haruka’s dismissal had been. In a way, maybe, he was happy that he hadn’t been agreed with, but thinking like that only made things more painful.

He’d gotten so familiar with walking home beside Haruka, listening to him ramble about the most mundane of things in a way that made it all interesting, that he’d forgotten how lonely it was without him. How lonely it was to just have his thoughts filling up the silence, and not the warmth of Haruka’s voice, without the usual routine of knocking their shoulders together whenever they laughed and maybe, maybe, one day having the courage to reach out and grab his hand as they walked.

No matter how hard he tried, his thoughts just kept looping back to everything he was trying to put out of his head.

He slammed the door when he got home, he slammed _his_ door when he got in his room, and he tossed his bag into the corner in a spur of rage that only left him feeling upset and disappointed. The mattress bounced when he fell onto it with a sigh, and then for a long, long time he didn’t do anything other than lie there.

He was glad he didn’t have to go back to that hellhole and continue making a jackass out of himself until Monday, he mused from his spot on the bed.

He felt disgusting, and for good reason, he figured. It was _wrong,_ like he’d told Takane in their fight. He shouldn’t have ever let himself come to like Haruka even half as much as he did, and now it hurt even to think about him. He didn’t want to believe he was gay - and hadn’t for the longest time - but every day he got closer and closer until he reached the point where his stomach plummeted and he couldn’t help but wonder what the _fuck_ was wrong with him. It wasn’t right, and Shintaro hoped Haruka would hate him for it as much as he did himself.

After a while of moping on his bed, Shintaro switched gears and decided that if anything was going to distract him, it was going to be the internet. The bed was warm, albeit tear-stained and everything else-stained, but he didn’t want to deal with texts from anyone if he so chose to grab his cellphone. Quietly, he settled into his computer, browsing the same shitty anime forums he always did and trying not to cringe every time he saw someone use the word “fag”.

Maybe if he just… fuck, he didn’t know. Tossing himself out a window seemed a bit _too_ dramatic, but the temptation was there. Maybe if he just pretended his stupid self didn’t feel those stupid feelings, things would be easier. Maybe if he just… didn’t talk to Haruka anymore. It’d be better for both of them, if Haruka didn’t have to deal with one of his friends feeling such disgusting, disgusting emotions every time he smiled or made a shitty joke or, hell, looked at him.

Then again, that prospect made him want to curl up into a ball and start crying again, so maybe not.

His room was already dark and the brightness of the screen was hurting his eyes when he heard someone knock at his door.

“Hey, big bro…? Shintaro…? Are you in there?” Momo’s voice squeaked through the wood, and she knocked again after a pause. She didn’t say anything else, and neither did Shintaro. He felt bad for ignoring her, but he was too tired to talk - he didn’t want to end up getting snappy with her, either, when he figured she either wanted to do something with him or needed help with her homework.

He heard her footsteps fade as she walked away from the door after a good few minutes, “Mom? Mooom, is Shintaro home?”

“Yes, sweetheart. He should be in his room… what’s wrong?”

A pause, and then Momo’s voice was quieter, “Oh. Um, it’s nothing. Thanks!”

Nothing else, aside from his mother later calling up and asking if he wanted a dinner he hesitantly declined, disturbed him for a good few hours until his bladder decided it needed a turn. Tiredly, he shuffled out to the hallway - he wondered if Mom had already gone to sleep, and figured yes - and walked straight into something in front of his door.

Upon investigation the ‘something’ turned out to be a large, warm lump, that being Momo. She’d fallen asleep on the floor and was in the middle of drooling on it when her brother had been courteous enough to stick a foot in her side.

Shintaro hissed in surprise, drawing back quickly and hoping he hadn’t woken her up. Thankfully not, but she did roll over to face him. She had hair in her mouth and stuck to the drool on her face, and quite frankly it wasn’t a good look. He smiled faintly to himself, and then turned back towards his room. After a minute of digging through his closet he’d retrieved a hopefully clean blanket, draping it over his sister gently.

After a trip to the bathroom, and then down to the kitchen to get something from the fridge, Shintaro fell back onto his mess of a bed and decided he might as well go to sleep. He unfortunately dreamt of Haruka and woke up uncomfortable and flushed the next morning, but other than that most of his weekend went without incident.

It felt… oddly empty, because he didn’t really have much to do other than spend time with Momo. Usually, at least his Saturday would be spent at Haruka’s house or going into town with him, but…

He glanced at his cell phone, the only reason he’d taken it out of his bag being to charge it, but turned back to where his sister was struggling with introductory algebra.

Sunday evening was when he finally caved, grabbing his phone and desperately checking his texts.

It stung a little when he realized no one had bothered to text him.

He avoided his friends at school for most of the following week, going home immediately and staying out of the general area that Haruka and Takane’s classroom was. Ayano still dogged after him like usual, but he ignored her as best he could.

He still growled under his breath whenever he saw something that reminded him too much of himself, but he was coming to the slow realization that he was absolutely pathetic. He still ogled at the girls who pulled their skirts up too high, but that didn’t stop the shitty fantasies he had when he was in his bed and wished maybe it wasn’t just him lying there.

Shintaro just wished he could make up his damn mind.

He felt his phone buzz for the first time in a week on Friday, and he stopped where he was putting on his shoes to go home to another shitty, lonely weekend. Anxiety tightened his throat as he pulled it out of his pocket, unsure of both what he was afraid of and what he hoped to see.

 

Haruka-senpai >>

 

**Hey, can you come to class after school ?**

14:26  

**Shintaroooo~? (•ω • “ )**

15:01  

**(｡´•ㅅ•｡)**

15:03   

 

Shintaro’s grip tightened on his phone, and he leaned forward against the wall. He was trying not to succumb to the overwhelming desire to cry, but it was proving a lot more difficult than he figured it should’ve been. He wondered how he’d missed the first text - he’d probably been busy with his phone on his desk, or something - but decided it was better he was having such a stupid, shameful episode when he wasn’t in a room jam-packed with people he hated.

Picking up his bag again, he quickly headed for the old, worn-down hall that he’d become endlessly familiar with over the last few months. He reached the door he was looking for right as it opened, Takane stepping out and nearly walking right into him. The smile on her face immediately faded into a scowl as she shoved her way past Shintaro, and his stomach plummeted at the reaction.

He was quiet as he stepped into the classroom, closing the door behind him. Haruka didn’t notice him immediately, busy staring at his phone with a sad look on his face. He jumped when Shintaro shuffled, whipping around to face him and hiding his phone.

“Aah! Shintaro! I-I didn’t know you were coming…” he fidgeted a little, seeming oddly skittish.

Shintaro didn’t comment on it, smiling involuntarily at his quirks and immediately forcing it down. “Mm? Oh, yeah, uh, sorry. I just saw your texts, and…”

“That’s okay! I’m just glad you came!” he beamed, getting up and picking up his bag and sketchbook.

Shintaro wished he didn’t try to be so fake when he knew he still hated him for being such an asshole, but didn’t voice that thought.

Their walk to Haruka’s house was a lot quieter than usual, but whether that was because Haruka seemed too nervous to say much of anything or because Shintaro was committed to not letting them meet eyes was anyone’s guess. It was a shame he refused to look at Haruka, because it meant he missed all the long gazes directed toward him.

They settled into his room when they got there, tense and uncomfortable. Shintaro flicked through his phone to give him something to do, but it wasn’t putting him as much at ease as he would’ve hoped.

Haruka spoke up, eventually, after a long pause filled with fidgeting with a loose page in his sketchbook. “S-sorry that I, um… texted you so suddenly. It’s just…”

Shintaro was quiet as he waited for more, desperate to interrupt and reassure him, but not wanting to get him off topic.

“I… it’s lonely, at my house, sometimes, um… Usually, we… you come over most of the time, so it’s… it’s not so lonely with you around, right?” he forced a smile in his pause and Shintaro felt his heart nearly stop at the sight of his glassy eyes. “But it’s… quiet, most days. I-I felt really bad not texting you, but I didn’t… know what to say…”

For a moment, Shintaro didn’t know what to do. Reaching out a tentative hand, he stroked Haruka’s back helplessly in hopes of stopping him from crying.

“H-hey, now, Haruka… You didn’t do anything, alright? I was…” he trailed off and started to mumble, “...being a total dick. You should find… f-find better friends…”

It was true, after all. Haruka was a good person, he deserved a better life, and he definitely deserved better friends. If Shintaro could just go and die in a hole, he was sure Haruka would be a lot better off.

“...What are you talking about, Shintaro?”

He snapped out of it when he heard his name, looking up and realizing that Haruka was an awful lot closer than he had been previously.

“I-I mean… You don’t… want a friend who says such awful things a-and… and…” Shit, he cursed internally, now it was _his_ turn to feel like crying. Shintaro stood up quickly, reaching for his bag but feeling a warm hand grab him first.

“Of course I want you as my friend,” came the insistent response.

Shintaro tried to pull his hand away and failed, “You don’t.”

“Yes, I do. Of course I do,” Haruka replied, tone softening, “You’re my best friend, I’m not going to just shut you out forever because you said… some bad things. If you didn’t mean… what you said…”

Did he mean it? It was a good question. In a way, maybe he did. It _was_ wrong, it _was_ disgusting. Then again, there he was, standing there in his crush’s room, holding his hand and about to cry because of it. The wrongness of it didn’t make him stop feeling the way he did, it didn’t stop him from having stupid dreams and even stupider fantasies. He hated it, but he couldn’t deny it.

Finally Shintaro let himself be pulled back down the floor, feeling Haruka’s grip loosen despite the fact that he was pleading internally that he wouldn’t let go. Shintaro squeezed his hand slightly, and Haruka stayed.

“I…I’m s-sorry…” he sniffed, and then he was crying, and he tried to bring his hands up to wipe his face before it could be too embarrassing but he remembered halfway that Haruka was still holding on to him and it was all a big mess.

Panicking, Haruka let go of his hand and floundered as he tried to figure out how to remedy the situation. Eventually he reached the conclusion that physical contact was, as it always was, the answer. He drew Shintaro in carefully, letting him cry into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Shintaro mumbled over and over, “I’m sorry, Haruka…”

Haruka hummed quietly to his apologies, not quite sure what to say otherwise. Ideally he’d be able to reassure him, but he wasn’t even sure why he _was_ upset.

“Mmm, Shintaro, please don’t cry… Why… are you…?” he murmured, and by that point Shintaro had calmed down from his sobs. His hands still gripped to Haruka’s clothing, desperate for his comfort. For a while he didn’t say anything, and Haruka was starting to give up on getting a reply when it finally came.

“I’m s-so sorry… Haruka, I, um… l-l…” Shintaro kept tripping over his words, breathing faster and faster the harder he tried to talk, but after a lot of waiting on Haruka’s part he eventually composed himself. “I… l-like… y-y-you…”

Haruka immediately stiffened at the confession. Sensing that, Shintaro shivered and tried to pull himself out of his arms, but Haruka didn’t let him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Haruka, I’m so sorry,” he was working himself back into hyperventilating, “I-I know you d-d-didn’t want to hear tha… th-that, a-and, I’m s-such a f-f-fucking… stupid…”

He stopped talking after that, shuddering and trying to hide his face further in Haruka’s shirt. Haruka himself was quiet for a long, long time as he rubbed Shintaro’s back and tried to get him to calm down again.

“Don’t… you don’t have to feel bad, Shintaro,” Haruka finally answered, murmuring quietly.

Shintaro sniffed quietly, looking up and trying to ignore the way his eyes stung. Smiling ever-so-slightly, Haruka stroked an arm down his spine and pulled him a little closer.

“I like… I like you too, Shintaro,” he continued.

For a second, Shintaro’s heart faltered. Drawing himself up a little to get a better look at Haruka, he stared for a moment. The grip on him finally slackened, letting him back up as much as he wanted. After a moment he stood up, glancing at the door but instead opting to pace around the room in a small loop.

“...You don’t,” he sniffed again, and it hurt when he rubbed his nose, “You…”

“Yes I do. I-I’ve actually liked you for a while. U-uh...” his voice trailed off nervously as soon as he realized what he was saying, face burning. Shintaro stared at him in astonishment for a few seconds until he realized he should probably say something back.

“I-I mean… are… are you sure…?” he rubbed his neck for an excuse to look away for a moment, realizing with disgust how sweaty he was. God, he hoped Haruka hadn’t felt that.

When he looked back, Haruka had gotten up off the ground and was busy knitting and un-knitting his fingers. “Of… of course I am! Yes! I-I think you’re really, um, you’re really funny, a-and nice, and you smell good--” Shintaro made a mental note to keep the Axe no matter _how_ much Takane told him to stop, “--and I really… really like spending time with you!”

Neither of them did anything for a second, Shintaro standing in the middle of the room in a stunned silence. Haruka was busy repeatedly trying to push a strand of hair behind his ear, staring everywhere else in the room. The words eventually organized themselves in Shintaro’s numbed mind, and he exhaled and sat down on Haruka’s bed.

“O-oh… my god… Holy shit…” he stared at his hands, “You’re serious?”

Haruka nodded his head earnestly.

“ _Fuck,”_ he whispered, and then he was crying again.

For a good few hours they stayed in Haruka’s room, talking and hugging and laughing and, for a sizable amount of it, crying at random intervals. It was… a very liberating experience, Shintaro had to say. He still felt gross, he still felt wrong, but… something was right, too. At least now he could admit to someone other than Tono that Haruka’s laugh was cute, even if it came out an embarrassed mumble and his voice cracked halfway.

Haruka also persuaded Shintaro into writing a messy apology text to Takane and Ayano, otherwise he threatened he’d tell them both how snotty he got when he cried. Shintaro couldn’t say he liked _that_ very much, but he wasn’t sure how serious Haruka was and he wasn’t about to risk it.

Eventually, he told Haruka he should go home. Quite frankly, he was dead tired after all of that, and figured he’d probably extended his stay more than long enough. Haruka agreed ruefully, but insisted on walking him back nonetheless.

Shintaro instinctively grabbed Haruka’s hand when their fingers accidentally brushed, although he didn’t become conscious of the action for a good couple seconds. Apologizing profusely, he tried to draw his hand back, but Haruka simply smiled sweetly and wrapped their fingers together.

Silently, Shintaro wondered if that meant they were dating now. Was that how it worked? Hell if he knew. Maybe? Haruka seemed to be acting a lot more familiar, and they hadn’t exactly hugged before. He figured he should probably ask, but at the same time he’d already embarrassed himself more than enough.

Haruka hugged Shintaro again at his house, lingering on his face for a moment but ultimately doing nothing else. He beamed as he parted, and Shintaro returned a shy wave as the door closed.

After saying hello to his mother in his kitchen and his sister in her room, he undressed partially and collapsed on his bed. He’d been busy smiling to himself and reflecting on his day when his phone on the side table buzzed, frightening him so much that he shrieked. He reached for it blindly after managing to recover, quickly checking for his texts.

 

Haruka-senpai >>

 

**Shintaro?**

20:56   

**what**

20:58

**Oh!!!!!!!! I didn’t know you were still awake**

21:00

**then y did u txt me**

21:01

**also no1 sleeps @ 9**

21:02

**…Sometimes I do!!!! (*´∀`*)**

21:04

**what the hell**

21:04

**I get sleepy…..**

21:05

**so!!!!!!! Do you want to come over again tomorrow**

21:07

**we can sleepover!!! ★**

21:08

**mmm**

21:11

**If you wanna!!!!!!!! ★★★ I;m gonna be alone**

21:13

**k fine**

21:15

**Yaaay!!! ♥**

21:19

**(〃・ω ・〃)**

21:21

**noooo come back!!!**

21:27

**fine wht do u wnt**

21:29

**dont send me those fuckign faces again**

21:29

**… (*´_ゝ｀)**

21:30

**FUCK YOU**

21:30

**Heehee ~ ♥**

21:31

**stoppp. im going 2 bed**

21:32

**Ahh!!! Shintaro I didnt mean it!!!**

21:33

**...Didn’t you just tell me no one goes to sleep this early（￣＾ ￣ ;）**

21:35

**………….See youuu~ ★ ☆ ★**

21:37

 

Shintaro sighed, letting his arm drop to the bed after a few minutes of staring at the last message. He wasn’t really tired, but he _had_ eaten some weird foreign food at Haruka’s house after a brief fridge raid, so he guessed he didn’t have to worry much about dinner. He yawned and rolled over, dropping his phone as he curled into the blankets.

Maybe, this time, he could feel a little bit better when he woke up the next morning thinking of Haruka.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for implied self harm and more slurs than last time.

Their first kiss was in Haruka’s room.

It was pretty fitting, actually, but it hadn’t been planned like that. Neither of them knew how it happened, or who was responsible  _ for  _ it happening. It just… did. That said, it wasn't the perfect kiss they might've been hoping for - that was too much to expect from first-timers. Shintaro didn’t know where to put his hands; Haruka moved too fast and smashed their noses together; they both fell off of the bed with a loud  _ thud  _ that left Shintaro aching for twelve hours.

“Ow… Haruka, g’off.” Shintaro moaned from where he was splayed on the floor, Haruka lying on top of his chest. He was panting, practically, exhilarated by the experience. “Can’t breathe…”

Haruka ignored the plea and the limbs that struggled to push him off, snuggling further into Shintaro’s neck. His breath tickled, and Shintaro was putting all his effort into trying not to shiver.

“I always wanted to do that,” Haruka mumbled. “It f-felt, um, very nice…”

After a good minute with no response, he picked himself up and stared down. Shintaro was stiff against the floor, practically glued to it. “Uh…? Did I say something wrong?” His eyes darted to the side, “I-I’m sorry…”

Shintaro inhaled sharply, face progressing deeper and deeper into the spectrum of reds. “N-n-no, of c-course you didn’t, uh…” they made nervous eye contact, “did you r-really… want…”

Haruka smiled and fell back on top of Shintaro, squeezing him tight enough to cut off blood. “Absolutely, Shin!”

Struggling under his embarrassment, Shintaro didn’t want to believe that his first kiss had been to a boy. He couldn’t say he didn’t like it, though.

He couldn’t say he didn’t like Haruka.

In fact, that was the last thing he could think of  _ wanting  _ to say. 

By that point they’d been dating for a month, even though half of that had been spent in confusion over whether or not they  _ were  _ dating. That hadn’t been cleared up until an awkward evening sitting in the park, where Shintaro stuttered out the question and Haruka squeezed his hand after he quietly replied.

The guilt ate at Shintaro every night when he thought about it for too long. He was a disgusting hypocrite, he was a scared liar, he was scum. He didn’t understand how Haruka could like someone as awful as him, but never brought it up.

They didn’t talk about it outside of the privacy of their rooms. Shintaro didn’t act differently at school, although he’d stopped making comments after that one Friday and everyone he talked to seemed to notice. Takane tolerated him, but whether or not she’d accepted the apology, he wasn’t sure. Ayano had accepted it easily, chattering about how she knew he didn’t really mean it and pouting childishly at Takane until she stopped scowling and couldn’t push down the smile anymore.

They didn’t know, though, any more than that. No one did. It was their secret, which was hard to keep when Haruka wanted to be affectionate as possible every second that it  _ was  _ possible. 

It was also by Shintaro’s request that they kept anything  _ too  _ intimate to the quiet isolation of Haruka’s house. He was particularly adamant on this after the fiasco where Momo burst into his room and caught them in the middle of a moment on his bed, fingers tangled and Shintaro half-seated on top of Haruka’s lap.

He could accept if the rest of the world hated him, but not Momo. He didn’t say any of this to Haruka, but he seemed to understand anyway.

Thus, they went about their lives mostly as normal.

It was a Tuesday when one of the screechier girls, one of  _ those  _ who got through school flashing half the students every day, stopped him at the door with her jeers.

“You’re sure close with that weird prettyboy upperclassman, hey Kisaragi? What’s his name… Kokonose? I see you two walking home together a lot, right?” her friends all giggled, “ _ I  _ even heard that  _ you  _ two were holding hands once. Is that true?”

Shintaro’s hand curled around the doorframe, already half out of the class before he’d frozen in place. His knuckles whitened as he tensed, but he didn’t give her the answer she was waiting for.

“You sure aren’t like that with anyone else, are you? Poor Tateyama doesn’t even get a glance, but you’re over there with  _ that _ ?” Her laugh was an ugly bark, complementing the cruelty of her tone. “So, let me guess. It’s either you pity him, or…”

Shintaro’s heart was in his throat in an instant, pounding desperately.

“Orrr… maybe you  _ like _ him?”

His entire body flushed hot with embarrassment, and then cold with fear. He wasn’t even conscious of the decision his body made to run away until he was several feet from the classroom and getting further.

“Biiingooo~!” rang out from the open door of his class, and he still heard them all laughing when he was at the end of the hallway.

The building was suffocating, and he didn’t hesitate as he walked. He’d fucked up the instant he lost his composure, and it hurt to think about. Never coming back seemed like a pretty good idea at that point, but the first step was to get the hell out.

Shintaro had gone five minutes on the road, not even sure where he was going, when it all finally caught up with him. Plodding to a stop, he tried to rub away his tears before they started, but that only made it worse. He crouched down where he stood, bending over the sidewalk and shaking. Snivelling, he pulled out his phone and stared at it, ignoring the way he was getting the screen all wet.

 

Haruka-senpai >>

**(ˆ ڡ ˆ)**

15:05

**Shinnnn~ are you coming today??**

15:14

**I guess you aren’t? (•ㅅ•) I’m going home!!**

15:31

**sorry if you’re busy!!!! Talk to you later (･~ ･)ノ”**

15:38   

 

He was glad the street was completely barren.

You could have asked Shintaro how long he’d been sitting there, and he wouldn’t know what to tell you. It only felt like a couple minutes, but at the same time he wouldn’t have been very surprised if the answer was a few hours. Truth be told, he’d stopped crying after a fairly short period of time, but by that point he was too exhausted to drag himself back up to his feet and figure out where the hell he even was.

The footsteps surprised him when he heard them. It was familiar, somehow, the person’s gait and the way they didn’t manage more than a light, awkwardly paced jog.

“S-Shintaro?!”

He cringed, but didn’t look up. Almost as if he was underwater, he slowly pushed his phone back into his pocket. The shoes shuffled as they stopped at his side, a bag dropping to the ground with a  _ thump  _ that Shintaro barely heard. A warm arm immediately wrapped around his back, and he started shaking again.

“Why are you out here…? You weren’t answering my texts, so I thought you went home, but…” the voice was quiet, and the sound of it comforted Shintaro, but he couldn’t make himself reply. There was a moment of hesitation, the arm squeezing Shintaro a little tighter. “What’s wrong?”

It was a simple question that anticipated a simple answer. What  _ was  _ wrong? The more he thought about it, the more he figured he’d overreacted over something stupid. He was such a weak, pathetic person that it was overwhelming.

Slowly, he looked up at Haruka. The worry on his face was so plain that it hurt, and then his eyes were stinging again. “It… it’s nothing,” he had to force the words out of his throat, “don’t worry, Haruka.”

Haruka was silent as Shintaro pushed himself back up to his feet, staring from where he was crouched. He opened his mouth to say something, but instead simply picked up his bag and occupied himself with brushing off imaginary dust.

Shintaro was caught in a daze, so much so that he didn’t even notice he’d started walking away until he realized that Haruka’s voice was getting further away.

“Uh, Shintaro…! If you’re, um, not busy, can I… um…” his voice faltered for reasons Shintaro didn’t know, but he stopped walking as he listened. “Can I come over? Or, um. We’re close to my house, so… we could go there, too…”

Oh, Shintaro remarked internally, that must’ve been where he was going. He was so used to walking to Haruka’s house after school that he’d just defaulted to that road.

“You… um, we could go to my house, i-if you want…” As much as Shintaro figured he’d be more comfortable in the privacy of Haruka’s home, he didn’t think he’d be able to handle all that unbearable silence.

Haruka seemed cheery enough, chatting animatedly their entire walk. He seemed to be purposefully avoiding anything that felt like a touchy subject, and Shintaro was thankful for it. 

Momo greeted them both at the door, excited that her brother’s friend had come over. She seemed to be taking a liking to Haruka, and Shintaro figured that was a good thing. Momo did a good job at keeping them both entertained, and for a while they just sat in the kitchen and helped her with her work. Everyone once in awhile, Shintaro would glance over nervously at Haruka’s face and watch his expressions.

He wondered if Haruka knew.

He wondered if Haruka was mad at him.

He figured the answer to both questions was yes.

Haruka went home when it started getting dark, and Shintaro said goodbye at his door. He instantly regretted not walking him to his house and actually apologizing, but it was too late for him to dash out and make an idiot out of himself in front of someone who probably didn’t even like him.

Nothing happened over the next couple days. It was almost surreal, and on several occasions Shintaro caught himself wondering if he’d just imagined the entire thing. The one clique of girls in his class always giggled when they saw him, but he didn’t give a damn about most of the school anyways.

It was Friday when one of the girls in his class nervously slipped him a note in last period. He was heavy with suspicion as he unfolded it, but simply sighed as he flitted over the disgustingly cute writing. ‘Please come to the back of the school after class,’ or something like that. It was predictable, but at least predictable was better than what he’d been expecting.

She was one of the nobodies, but she was a nice, simple girl. He didn’t figure he should bother, but if he was going to disappoint her he’d rather do it with minimal mess.

The bell rang after a class filled with the same monotony that every other day was full of, and he dragged his feet as he left. He trudged down through the building, walking around the back while he preoccupied himself with texting Haruka and telling him to go home without him. 

No one was back there when he looked up from his phone, and he sighed. Settling quietly against the building, Shintaro kept his eyes focused on his phone clock. He’d wait three minutes, and if that girl didn’t come around then he’d catch up with Haruka. 

He heard a loud group coming around the corner right when he’d decided to leave. Shrinking into the wall, Shintaro pretended to look busy on his phone until they passed. It was a group of three boys, he noted, and he felt like he knew them but didn’t look long enough to be able to tell.

Instead of passing him by, they all stopped in front of him and effectively trapped him. Hands shaking, Shintaro put his phone away and tried to look intimidating as he glared at the trio, but he instantly realized why he’d recognized them. They were the same group who’d terrorized him throughout the majority of his school life, two of them upperclassmen and the third one one of the kids in his class.

It dawned on Shintaro that he was really stupid.

“Hey,  _ Kisaragi _ . Rumour around school is that you’re a  _ queer. _ One of those manwhores who just wants to take it up the ass, huh?” A voice spat, a smirk plastered on his face.

A hand grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him forward. The boy was stereotypically built, the leader of their group and a thick senior he’d been uncomfortably familiar with in middle school. He couldn’t remember his name, but it was on the tip of his tongue.

“It’s been a long time, Kisaragi. I missed having a punching bag, didn’t you?” His laugh was as ugly as the girl from the other day, and Shintaro wondered if they knew each other. They’d probably be perfect for each other. “Never knew you were a fag for real, though. I could’ve made your life even worse, huh?”

The arm squeezed his wrist tighter, and he winced involuntarily. The boy’s eyes glanced at it, and his lip curled rudely.

“Oh, lookie here. One of those sissy attention seekers, too? What a  _ surprise _ from a faggot like you. Maybe we should help him out, huh?” The last part seemed to be directed at his friends, who cheered him on. Shintaro started trying to struggle, but the hand squeezed so hard that it threatened to break his bones.

He saw a glint of metal flash as one of the friends, the tall one with the long face, passed him something from his pocket. Immediately, the realization of what it was hit Shintaro like a truck.

“Stop… s-stop, please, I’m b-begging…” he whimpered, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. 

“Oh, listen to that,” the boy mocked. “The bitch wants us to  _ stop _ . What a pussy.” 

Shintaro could barely hold back from screaming as his arm burned with pain, and he squirmed as the blood gushed. They all laughed at him, the boy letting go of his arm and flicking the blade back into his pocket.

Shintaro clutched his arm and tried not to panic, but he could feel the warm blood as it dripped off of his hand. He hoped that maybe they were done, now, but a hand gripped his face and forced it up as the torrent of insults continued.

“I bet you wish you  _ were _ a bitch, huh? That’s why you’re a fucking queer.”

A fist swung at his eye, and he was thrust back into the wall as he doubled over and tried to recover. His legs finally gave out, and he fell to his knees.

Something sharp hit his stomach, and he nearly choked on his saliva as he coughed. It forced him down onto his side, and he tried his best to curl in and protect himself. It continued for so long that his vision went hazy, unable to process anything but pain and the overwhelming taste of blood.

“Leave m-me alone…” he forced out, but his whimpered plea only prompted someone to kick him in the face. More blood streamed from his nose, and the only thing keeping him conscious anymore was how much it all hurt.

After an eternity the feeling in his stomach stopped, and for a moment Shintaro could breathe through all the blood in his mouth. He wondered if maybe they were done, but a sharp stinging in his scalp and the sensation of being lifted up told him that that had probably only been the beginning.

“You get horny just thinking about another guy touching your filthy little dick, don’tcha?”

For a moment he forgot the pain and his eyes shot open, flitting over the rougher boy’s face. His chest struggled to breathe, rising and falling with shudders. “Don’t,” he rasped, “please don’t…”

The face twisted as he laughed, getting spit on Shintaro. “What’s that, Kisaragi? You’re gonna have to speak up. I can’t hear you over all the whiny bitching.” He imitated what Shintaro had just said at an exaggerated pitch, eliciting raucous laughs from his friends.

A hand, the one that wasn’t holding him up by the hair, was pulling at his belt despite his struggles and weak kicks. He was nauseous just thinking about it, having a harder time trying to breath the more he panicked.

“Shit, I think I just heard one of the teachers. W-we should get out of here.”

It was the pudgy, short boy, the one Shintaro barely recognized but never recalled any specific ill will towards. He was pretty sure he’d never been very into his friends’ activities, but he couldn’t tell whether or not that had changed since he was younger.

The feeling stopped, and the other hand let go of Shintaro’s hair and let him collapse to his knees. He retched blood and food onto the ground until he had next to nothing left in him, shuddering violently. There was a sharp pain in his side that cut off his coughing, and he realized he’d been kicked again as he collapsed on the grass with a sob.

“Listen, Kisaragi, if you fucking tattle I’m gonna pay your little faggot friend a visit and see how  _ he  _ likes it. You’re gonna feel like the luckiest bastard on the fucking planet in comparison,” came the growl. “I’ll see you later,” and then he and his friends ran for it.

Despite the warning, there was no one that came. His heart thudded slowly as he waited for them to come back, or for someone else to find him lying there. It was the only sound he could hear, lulling him in and out of consciousness more times than he could tell. His eyes were closed as he tried not to pay too much attention to the pain he felt everywhere, breaths short and shallow.

The only thing he could really get a grasp on was the taste of blood.

For how long he lay there, he didn’t know. All he knew was that no one ever came around and found him. It was growing dark when he finally opened his eyes, the sun desperate to leave with streaks of red-orange before it was rudely evicted by the moon.

The ground was cold, he realized after a few more minutes lying there. He was shivering, too, but didn’t really feel it. He was tempted to just go to sleep like that and hopefully die overnight, but he realized he didn’t want to worry Momo if he didn’t come back at a reasonable time.

Standing up nearly forced him to black out, his legs weak and every movement hurting. He managed to stay in the present, thankfully, but only to throw up again on the grass. His throat burned, but at least it tasted a bit less like metal.

Night took over as he walked home, staring down at his feet as he barely managed the tiresome routine of  _ left foot, right foot, repeat _ . He walked into a lamp post at one point, but didn’t really feel it very much.

Everything felt numbed, almost dreamlike, to his senses. The pain he felt everywhere seemed to fade into the background, and he wondered hazily if he should really let it bother him.

He used the back door when he finally realized he’d made it home, even though a minute and a half ago he’d looked up and hadn’t recognized a single building. Then again, had it been a minute and a half, or an hour and a half? He didn’t know, and couldn’t bother to check. It all felt the same, anyways.

The door’s hinge shrieked as he pushed it open, but it was still better than having to go through the front entrance and probably pass by everyone else in the house.

Shintaro dropped his bag in front of his door as he locked it, initially moving to the bed before he figured he should check how bad he looked. The lights in the bathroom hurt his eyes, but it was better than nothing.

A bump above his left eye, a developing bruise on his right, a split lip, and dried blood all over his face from his nose and mouth. From that alone he was pretty sure if anyone had seen him they would’ve called the police, the paramedics, and everyone else in Japan, so he guessed he was lucky they hadn’t. There were rips in his shirt, a string of yellowing bruises on his stomach, and he realized that not only had he walked home without one of his shoes, but he’d also gone all the way to his room with the other one still on.

He was scared to look at his arm, but figured it couldn’t be that bad if he hadn’t already passed out. Even still, blood had seeped through his clothes and dried on his skin. Still numb, he started pulling up his shirt to get a better look, but quickly realized he was going to rip off half his arm if he tried that.

Deciding that it wasn’t worth the effort to get his shirt off at that moment, Shintaro tugged off his pants and remaining shoe and threw them in the corner of the bathroom. He’d clean it up later, he told himself as he shambled back to his bed and curled up on it.

For a long while Shintaro didn’t do very much. Moving too suddenly tugged at the shirt and rang him through with pain, so that was out of the question. He just sort of… lay there, bedding barely pulled over his legs so he didn’t freeze.

He’d been an idiot to think that his life would get magically easier just because he was with Haruka. So what? All he was doing was making a bigger mess out of absolutely everything. He’d even put Haruka in danger because of his incredible ability to be a colossal fuckup at all times. Shintaro was absolutely certain that Haruka would’ve been better off without him in the first place, and even moreso that he regretted saying yes to him that night at his house - and it’d all probably been out of pity, no less.

He wished he’d actually died out there, so that no one would have to put up with his shitty existence and neither would he.

“Shintaro?”

His mother’s voice snapped him out of it, and he shifted in the sheets. Swallowing thickly, he tried his best to clear his raw throat. “I’m in my room.”

“Oh, I didn’t know if you were home yet or not. Coming down for dinner?”

Shintaro stiffened. He was an absolute disaster, and he was pretty sure she’d have a heart attack if she saw him like that.

“No… no thanks, Mom. I’m, um, really tired today so I think I-I’m gonna sleep for a bit. Leave me something and I’ll eat it later, o-okay?” He winced as he spoke, hoping it didn’t sound too suspicious.

“Alright, hun. It’ll be on the counter with the plastic wrap, okay? Make sure you sleep alright.”

He felt bad about lying to her, but figured it was a bad idea to do anything else. He sighed quietly as he tried his best to get a little bit further under the sheets, settling in a slightly uncomfortable position as he gave up on anything better. For a long time he simply lay there, eyes vacant as he stared at a spot on the wall.

Eventually, he dragged himself to his feet and realized it was one in the morning and he hadn’t done anything but lie there. He shuffled into the bathroom and, after blinding himself for a minute with the light, stared at himself in the mirror again. He looked utterly disgusting, caked in blood and covered in bruises.

Pushing that aside, he figured he should probably clean himself up sooner than later. He started with his face, trying his best with only the one hand, and after frustrating himself to hell and back he finally decided to deal with his arm. It was tricky, because the shirt had been long dried to the wound, but he submerged it in warm water for a while and eventually peeled it off with minimal pain. Tossing the shirt in the same corner that the rest of his clothes were, he turned back to the gash.

It wasn’t very deep, and for the most part it was fairly thin. The blood had made it look a lot worse than it actually was, thankfully. He dug through the cabinet for the gauze and medical tape, patching the wound up sloppily so that he at least didn’t end up staining everything he owned. He’d already done that in his spare time, thank you very much.

Stripped down to his boxers, he stared at his bony self in the mirror.

He hated every inch of it, and curled his lip in disgust.

Without the blood was definitely an improved look, but it didn’t make himself feel any better. Pawing at his skin and trying his best to turn and catch a look at his back, he investigated all the bruises and other marks on the rest of his body that he didn’t see earlier. In addition to the black eye and what was on his stomach, there was also something on one of his legs and a sore spot on his back that he couldn’t quite catch in the reflection.

It was already nearing two, but he drew a bath anyways. For the next three hours he sat in it, long after it had gone cold and he was lying there and shivering, slowly slipping out of consciousness. This continued until he reached the point where he closed his eyes and  _ literally _ slipped into the room-temperature water, instantly waking back up and splashing as he inhaled a mouthful of bathwater.

After that, he decided it was high time to get out of the bath. He pulled on clean boxers and the first hoodie he saw in his closet, returning to his bed. Apparently he’d wasted his only opportunity at sleep by almost drowning, because he couldn’t shake the awakeness no matter how hard he tried. He briefly contemplated going on his phone until that exhausted him, but the thought reminded him too strongly of Haruka.

Curling into a ball under the protection of the sheets, Shintaro wished he could just disappear.

He spent most of the weekend like that, and there were only a handful of reasons for him to get up. He only ate when he was alone in the house, and miraculously avoided his family the entire time. It only made him feel worse to hear his mother and his sister squabble in front of the door over whether or not Momo should be sitting out there and waiting for him to come out, but he simply shuffled further into the cocoon of blankets and tried to ignore the noise.

He skipped school on Monday, staying in bed for another day. His mother seemed to accept without question his excuse that he was sick after all his irregular behaviour over the last three days. Shintaro was setting himself up for another day of moping under the sheets when the doorbell rang and disrupted that thought.

Pulling his head out from the bedding, he blinked blearily at the clock. Three forty two in the afternoon. Momo was already home, but it was too early to be Mom, and they both had keys anyways. Was it some salesman or something? He figured probably yes, and left it for Momo to deal with.

Tucking his head back in, he slowed his breathing to better hear their conversation through the floor. He still couldn’t make out either of their voices very well, but after a minute he realized that their conversation sounded a lot friendlier than if it was some stranger coming door-to-door. Briefly, he entertained the idea that it might be one of his sister’s friends, but figured probably not if it was a man talking.

It hit him, and his stomach immediately dropped.

Oh, no.

This was bad. Very, very bad.  _ Incredibly  _ bad, even.

He heard Momo let him in and close the door, and then footsteps creaked through the house as the cheery chatter continued. Momo passed by the door, but the other person didn’t.

Then there was a pause, one that felt so long Shintaro wondered if time had been briefly frozen.

“Hey… Shintaro? Are you in here…?”

Haruka’s voice was clear through the door, and Shintaro heard the floor squeak as he shuffled his feet. His heart pounded as he lay there, wondering whether or not he should just ignore him until he left.

“A-actually, Momo told me you’re in here, so that was a bit of a silly question…” he laughed nervously, and then stopped speaking for another moment as he presumably waited for an answer. “Are… you not gonna say anything?”

The static rang in Shintaro’s ears.

“I-I, um, I’m not gonna leave, you know. I’ll just stand here until I get tired, a-and then I’ll sit down until  _ you  _ get tired, and… then... ” he ran out of steam, and Shintaro could envision him perfectly, picking at his bag strap and obsessing with his hair like he always did when he was anxious. “Shintaro, I’m sorry if I did anything--”

“The door’s unlocked,” Shintaro cut him off quietly, so quiet that he was surprised Haruka even heard him. There was a small “Ah,” of acknowledgement from the other side of the wood, and the door creaked as it was slowly pushed open.

Shintaro was still under the blankets when Haruka stepped in, and he squeezed his knees closer to his face.

“H-hi, Shin…” he mumbled, sitting himself at the edge of the bed. Neither of them said anything for a while, and Shintaro hoped that maybe Haruka would eventually get bored of him and leave him alone for good.

He felt Haruka put something down on the bed, probably his bag, and fiddle with it for a little while. “Sorry for barging in like this… I could leave if you want me to,” he offered quietly, but received no answer. “A-alright, I guess I’ll stay, then… Um… Are you just going to stay under there?”

For a while, Shintaro didn’t know how to answer. He squeezed his eyes shut and could barely hold back from crying, overwhelmed by the prospect that Haruka wasn’t just going to leave a piece of shit like him alone. When his words did come, they were a mumble. “I don’t want you to look at me.”

He heard the sharp inhale, and felt the pressure of a warm hand through the bedding. He shook, drawing further into his knees, and then finally started to cry. Haruka soothed him gently, stroking his back over and over and shifting steadily closer until he was sitting right beside Shintaro. He’d eventually stopped crying, sniffing loudly every so often and shivering violently.

The hand left, for a moment, and Shintaro wondered if Haruka was going to leave. Maybe he’d just felt bad that Shintaro started crying, so he decided to stick around out of guilt until he could finally just shake him off. He wouldn’t be able to hold it against him if he did, he figured.

“I’m going to pull down the sheets, okay? Just a little bit, alright, Shin? I want to see you.”

The words surprised him. Shintaro didn’t even know how to react, too stunned to resist. There was a moment of hesitation, and then Shintaro felt the weight above his head lessen and saw the brightness of the room as it filtered through. Lifting up his head and making sure to avoid making eye contact, he kept his left arm hidden and raised his other hand to block his right eye.

Long fingers wrapped themselves delicately around his wrist, pulling it down. Shintaro couldn’t bother to resist by that point, too exhausted from everything that had happened to bother delaying the inevitable. The sooner Haruka realized how much better it was for him to just dump him, the sooner he could go back to living the sad, lonely life that he deserved.

He waited for the gasp of horror, the recoil of disgust, but nothing like that came. Haruka stared at him for a few careful seconds, Shintaro shifting uncomfortable under his gaze and hoping that he could just react already.

Eventually, the hand around his arm let go and brought itself up to his face so that it could caress his cheek. Shintaro shrank at the warm touch, and the hand drew back and hesitated until he relaxed again.

“I’m sorry, Shintaro,” Haruka whispered, stroking his cheek with his thumb. “I’m sorry that… that this happened to you.”

Shintaro shook his head, “It’s not your fault. Please don’t… please don’t feel bad.” He raised his hand and pulled down Haruka’s, realizing too late that he’d just shown him the arm wrapped in bandages. If Haruka noticed, which he was sure he did, he didn’t make any sort of visible reaction.

Receiving no response, Shintaro was forced to continue. “I-It’s my own fault, anyways, r-right? It happened because I deserve it.”

Haruka stiffened, and Shintaro immediately averted his eyes in fear of what emotions his expression would display. “Shintaro… why… why would you ever deserve something so  _ awful… _ ”

His throat tightened, and for a long time he couldn’t get anything out. Haruka tried his best to comfort him, intertwining their fingers and stroking the back of his hand with his thumb. Shintaro squeezed back, trying his best not to cry. Eventually, he’d breathed enough to clear his throat.

“I… I… Haruka, it’s because I’m… I’m everything th-they said I was… it’s b-because I’m gay.” His voice finished in a whisper, afraid to confess. He tried to pull away his hand, so sure that he’d finally given enough reasons to just leave him alone, but Haruka simply squeezed him tighter.

“Shintaro…” he breathed, and Shintaro cringed at the sound of his name. “Just because you… You don’t deserve to have… to have all those awful things done to you just because of that.” 

“Yes I do,” he mumbled, “yes I do. I-I love you, but I’m such a horrible person, a-and you deserve someone better…”

This surprised Haruka enough to make his grip on Shintaro slacken, and he pulled his hand away.

“You’re not, Shin, please listen to me,” Haruka pleaded, voice turning desperate for a moment.

Shintaro didn’t seem to be convinced by this, and Haruka was forced to continue.

“I still love you, Shintaro. Of  _ course _ I love you. You aren’t any different from the person I fell for in the first place, and I’m the happiest now that I’ve ever been. That won’t change, okay?”

Shintaro had already started crying before Haruka was done, but his quiet sniffles transitioned to full sobs by the last word.

“A-ah! I’m sorry, Shin! Please don’t cry!” As usual, Haruka immediately lost all of his own composure the second Shintaro did. He looked around the room desperately as if he expected a solution to appear on the windowsill, hands patting Shintaro as he tried to calm him down until he could think of something.

Meanwhile, Shintaro had drawn his own hands in and placed them against his face. Unable to hold it all in anymore, he simply sat there as he wailed helplessly. He was probably trying to say something through all the snot and tears, but nothing even slightly coherent came out.

Sooner than later, Haruka figured out the solution. He wrapped his arms around Shintaro and pulled him towards his chest and so that he could bawl into his shirt, letting him listen to the familiar irregularity of his heart. His fingers ran through Shintaro’s hair, running through the strands and down his back in an endless loop. It was reminiscent of something else, but this time things were different.

Calming Shintaro down the second time was the hardest. All his barriers seemed to have broken down simultaneously after pain and time and bottling everything up, and every time Haruka thought he might’ve composed himself he simply started back up again. He couldn’t do much more to help him than hold him close and repeat that it was alright, and that he didn’t hate him, until Shintaro finally pulled back and rubbed his raw eyes.

“Sorry,” he mumbled quietly, watching Haruka’s face with incredible care.

Haruka gave him a warm smile as he let go. “Mmm, don’t be sorry, Shin! I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Shintaro nodded, and finally he smiled back.

Figuring that the smart idea  _ wasn’t _ to stick in a conversation rut, Haruka instead opted to babble cheerfully about anything he could think of. Takane finally snapped and threw her shoe at their teacher; Ayano had accidentally taken one of her siblings’ lunches in the morning and he’d gotten to say hello to the girl, he was pretty sure her name was Tsubomi, but it almost seemed like she disappeared after that; he’d glanced at Takane’s papers in the middle of class and, don’t tell her this, but he was pretty sure she’d been busy doodling hearts around Ayano’s name.

Shintaro didn’t give responses more detailed than short hums of acknowledgement every now and then, but that was plenty.

After a little while, Haruka stopped talking and simply stared at him. Shintaro was starting to get uncomfortable wondering what was wrong when he finally spoke up.

“So, um. Are you gonna come out from under there, or…”

Ah.

Shintaro fidgeted a little, and then looked down sheepishly. “Actually, uh… I’m not wearing any pants.”

In reality he’d been wearing the same clothes since about five in the morning on Saturday, but didn’t confess that bit.

Haruka stared at him for a second, blinking as if he didn’t understand the problem. “Oh. Well, why’s that such a big deal? Sheesh.”

“What?”

Haruka shrugged at the outburst, “I mean, you’ve seen me in my underwear before, right? And if we’re dating I’m gonna have to see it  _ some _ time--”

“ _ What?!”  _ Shintaro squawked, baffled by the words that were coming out of Haruka’s mouth at that moment.

“--and if you’re not going to come out then I guess I’m gonna have to come in,” he concluded mischievously, and Shintaro stared at him in utter disbelief for a second before his face went a respectable shade of red.

In the end, after Shintaro yelled at Haruka that he was  _ not  _ going to be getting under the sheets with him - and he really hoped Momo didn’t hear that and take it out of context - he was forced to change while Haruka sat on the bed. A sad look passed over his face at the sight of all the bruises, but he hid it before Shintaro could notice. Pretending he was innocent, Haruka hummed lightheartedly as he watched Shintaro pull on a pair of pants and a fresh hoodie while he was at it, but broke the image when he started giggling out of nowhere.

Shintaro immediately stopped what he was doing and whipped around to stare at him. “What… hey, w-what’s so funny?” 

“Mmm, nothing, nothing. You’re just really cute,” he smiled fondly at him, and this time the tips of Shintaro’s ears went red.

“H-h-hey, sh-shut up! Shut up!” He threw his old clothes at Haruka, nailing him directly in the face. Haruka flopped back on the bed and started laughing again, clutching his stomach and kicking his feet up. After a little while he stopped gasping for air, stretching out his arms and exhaling. Shintaro watched him from the middle of the room, wondering if Haruka was just planning on lying there forever or if he should say something first.

“Y’know, Shin, I…” Haruka started, and then he gulped nervously. “I was… really worried, about you. They were saying such awful things at school, and… um…”

Shintaro stepped forward quietly, his hands starting to feel clammy.

Haruka breathed in deeply before he kept going. “I figured it was all just stupid rumours, but I was already so worried because you weren’t around and you weren’t answering any of my texts. They… a boy stopped me when I was leaving a-a-and… he… he showed me a picture, apparently it’d been going around on Twitter a lot. Someone hacked the school’s account and posted it anonymously, and then everyone went nuts over it.”

Shintaro stopped, and didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Haruka brought up one of his arms and rubbed his eyes, sniffing into it. When he brought it back down, tears were dripping down his face.

“You… It was a picture of you, b-but it was really fuzzy so I thought… I hoped… that maybe it wasn’t? B-but there was… there was so much blood, a-and I almost wanted to yell at the guy who showed it to me… A-a-and, I was, I was so worried… I thought maybe it’d been my f-fault, and maybe you… maybe you were mad at me for it…”

Haruka couldn’t seem to get anything else out past that, rolling over and curling his face into the pillow. His apologies were muffled by it, but Shintaro could still make them out. Swallowing, he walked over to his bed and lay down facing Haruka.

Haruka sniffled quietly when he realized Shintaro was there beside him, lifting up his face and inhaling shakily. Shintaro raised a hand to cup his cheek, rubbing his hand down his soft skin and smiling gently.

“It’s alright, Haruka. I promise I don’t. You didn’t do anything, okay?” Shintaro whispered. Haruka nodded, bringing up a hand to cup Shintaro’s. He brought their foreheads close, leaning on him and smiling in tired contentment.

It was at that unfortunate moment that Momo barged into the room, and Shintaro screamed in surprise as he tried to turn around and instead rolled backwards off the bed with a  _ thud  _ that shook the house.

“Big brother! I have something to show… you...” she exclaimed cheerily, and then realized what she’d walked in on. Haruka was trying his best to hide his face and rub his eyes, while Shintaro lay motionless on the floor. “Uh. What are you...”

“I can explain,” they both started in unison.

After a very botched explanation from both of them, Momo shrugged and seemed to accept their vague excuses. She seemed more interested in roping the both of them into playing games with her and helping her with her schoolwork, and they both sighed as they accepted. Every so often, when Momo wasn’t looking, one of them would cast a longing gaze or faded smile at the other.

It was late when Haruka left, and Shintaro insisted on walking him home. They passed by his mother as they went out the door, and she raised an eyebrow but said nothing. 

The next morning, Shintaro woke up earlier than usual. For a few minutes he lay stretched out in the sheets, his chest feeling lighter than it had in a long time. Eventually he got up to go to the bathroom and splash some water on his face, and when he got back out he realized that he could hear Haruka downstairs talking to his mother.

Through the flooring, Shintaro listened to their conversation while he grabbed his clothes.

“Oh, Haruka, you’re sure here early. Usually Shintaro isn’t even awake yet. Are you two walking to school together this morning?”

“A-ah, yeah, sorry Mrs. Kisaragi! He wanted me to help him out with something before school.”

“Mmm, that’s fine. At least he’s feeling better, I was starting to get worried. Make sure you two don’t leave too late, alright?”

Haruka gave a chipper “Yes ma’am!”, and Shintaro followed the sound of his footsteps as he walked upstairs and steadily approached his room. There was a quick knock on his door, and then it opened.

Haruka and Shintaro both froze, Haruka mid-step and Shintaro in the middle of taking off his underwear.

“Uh…! I’m sorry, Shin! I d-d-didn’t realize!” Haruka stammered, turning this way and that as he panicked.

“J-Jesus, Haruka! Don’t just walk in like that! And close the damn  _ door!”  _ Shintaro yelled, tugging his clothing back on as quickly as he could. Haruka followed his instruction, quickly pulling the door closed and hiding his face as he stood there facing it.

Shintaro exhaled, running a shaky hand through his hair nervously. “Christ… Alright, whatever, you can just stand there. Don’t  _ look _ , though.”

Haruka nodded his head earnestly, face still hidden but probably burning crimson by now. Shintaro wondered absently what his mother and sister thought was going on based off of their recent exchange. He let Haruka stand there for a minute and fidget with his bag, eventually telling him he could look after he’d put on his pants and a shirt. He was still digging around for his tie, but at least he had clothing on.

“S-sorry, Shin… I wasn’t thinking…” Haruka hung his head, rubbing the back of his neck. Shintaro simply sighed, waving a hand at him and shrugging.

“S’alright. At least I wasn’t  _ completely  _ naked,” he muttered.

Haruka stood there in the middle of the room for a minute. “S-so, um, what’re you…”

“Looking for my tie,” Shintaro grunted. “Can’t remember where I put it.”

“Ah,” Haruka breathed, helping him look. He eventually found it crumpled in the corner, but when Shintaro held out his hand for him to give it to him he shook his head and pulled him closer. Haruka smiled to himself as he looped the tie around Shintaro’s neck, tying it with care. Shintaro stood there and sweat nervously, unsure of what to possibly do. He mumbled an embarrassed thanks when it was done, but Haruka held him there for a minute until Shintaro looked up at his face.

Without any warning, Haruka tugged him in by the tie and kissed him.

It was their second kiss, and Shintaro had to say, it was a definite improvement. He was too surprised to reciprocate very well, but Haruka was a good lead. They fell onto his bed with a bounce, and Shintaro ran his hands through Haruka’s soft hair.

“Sh-Shin! That tickles…” he gasped out, pulling back and falling on top of Shintaro as he laughed. Too embarrassed to talk, Shintaro wrapped his arms around Haruka and held him for a long minute.

After a little while Shintaro let go, and Haruka took that as a sign to get up. He smiled as he pulled Shintaro up off the bed, their hands lingering together for a moment. Shintaro’s face only started burning again, and he averted his eyes.

“Ah! Shin, we’re gonna be late!” Haruka yelped, and Shintaro spun around to look at the clock.

“Shit! Haruka, wasn’t the whole point of you coming over so that you could help me  _ not  _ look like I got punched half to death last week?! Now there’s no time!” Shintaro shouted, trying to find his bag and shove everything he needed in it.

“I-I mean… yeah, but… You don’t look that bad! It’s alright,” Haruka reassured him hurriedly, and Shintaro wasn’t sure he agreed, but he didn’t really have the room to argue anyways. “C’mon, we’ve gotta go!”

Shintaro latched his bag and Haruka grabbed him by the arm, both of them dashing out of the house. Shintaro’s mother smiled to herself as she watched them through the window, only to turn back around and sigh when she realized her son had forgotten his lunch.

They got to school with a few minutes to spare, and Shintaro shrank into Haruka’s side when he realized how many people were staring at them. Haruka narrowed his eyes at all of them, and eventually the majority of the students went back to whatever they’d been doing beforehand.

Haruka said farewell to Shintaro at the split in the hallways, and he waved back. Ayano was waiting for him in their class, and spent the entire morning chattering about how worried she’d been and that she was glad that he was alright. He didn’t pay her much more attention than usual, but did turn and stare for a moment when she spent a good minute talking about Takane for no reason.

The four of them all sat together at lunch as usual, and by Haruka’s prompting Shintaro was forced to nervously confess that the two of them were together. Ayano’s face lit up instantly, and she clutched Shintaro’s hands in hers as she exclaimed how happy she was for them. Takane, meanwhile, simply sat there and gave a tiny smile that only Haruka caught.

When they walked home, for once Shintaro wasn’t quite so afraid to hold Haruka’s hand, and neither was he quite so nervous to laugh at his jokes in public.

Things weren’t the best, and maybe they never would be, but what mattered to Shintaro was that they were better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read this fic! i also really appreciate all the support and positive feedback i got about it. i guess my first time posting harushin went pretty well?? @_@ haha


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